My memory of an August day in 1981
is as clear now as the sky was on that day- the day I experienced
the miraculous.
By some special grace, rather than having the normal mental
chatter running through my mind, I was very present. I was aware
of each breath as it was happening. I was feeling this immense
radiant love at the source of every wave of inhale and exhale.
My heart was immersed in a radiant warmth emanating from Source.
This all-encompassing experience of Love was overwhelming and
very sweet- the same sweetness at the core of the crystal clear,
warm and sunny day on the outside.
I was utterly unaccustomed to the power of the love and bliss
I was experiencing. I was barely able to simultaneously do things
with my body and remain present to each breath as the Love created
it. The power and tenderness of the experience had me intent
on staying present to its amazing radiance inside.
My kids were little then and I worked only a couple days a week
for a gardener, a friend. This particular day he sent me with
his full-time assistant to an old colonial farmstead owned by
an elderly couple too infirm to walk the grounds. Their enjoyment
of the gardens was restricted to the plantings that surrounded
the brick patio off the kitchen located in the ell of this old
colonial home, as it set amidst its homestead like setting.
In the outlying gardens, my friend had created a loose rambling
array of wildflowers, meadow grasses and muted perennials, flowing
together in a wild and natural fusion of subtle color that was
never visited by the older couple.
In contrast the garden beds surrounding the brick patio adjacent
to the white clapboard exterior of the 16th century farm house
was a blaze of ostentatious, gregarious color- a mix of zinnias,
dahlias, cosmos, marigolds, nasturtiums - all blended in with
gorgeous fragrant tea roses for the owners to enjoy at close
range.
My gardener friend had used every trick he knew to maintain
this colorful garden of annuals and roses. It was a difficult
spot for a garden, located beneath a large gnarly old oak tree.
When we arrived the Assistant gave me the job of fertilizing
those flower beds around the patio. She went off to deadhead
wilted flowers in the outlying grounds.
Focused within, feeling amazing love with each breath, I made
my way across the gravel driveway to the old gray weather-beaten
barn, where I located the fertilizer and the watering can in
one of the empty stalls. I took them to the hose located on
the patio.
I had used this same fertilizer the previous week on another
job. I remembered that the proportions were three to one. So
without reading the directions, I mixed the watering can full,
carefully measuring 3 tablespoons to each quart.
It was the kind of fertilizer that you sprinkle over the whole
plant, foliage and all, not just on the ground. Still wholly
absorbed in this wonderful state of love and joy, I proceeded
to carefully water the garden around the patio. I had finished
all but about a 4 by 6 foot remaining area when I ran out of
the mixture. So I returned to the patio were I had left the
fertilizer can next to the hose nozzle to mix some more.
It was then that I noticed that the can of fertilizer, which
had been almost full when I started, was now almost empty. This
prompted me to read the directions, which gave the proper proportions
as 3 teaspoons to the gallon, not 3 tablespoons to the quart.
I realized that the mixture I had just sprinkled over almost
this entire garden was of a chemical potency that would surely
turn it brown and kill the plants soon -- if not momentarily.
I looked up to see if it had begun to happen. It had not.
Even as I continued to hold on to the love I was feeling inside,
possibilities began to whiz through my mind. An intuitive impulse
to attract ‘wetness’ led me to glance skyward. But
the radiant uninterrupted blue of the cloudless sky brought
my glance immediately back to earth. Other possibilities whizzed
through. Should I try to wash the poison off with the hose?
Should I alert the assistant gardener to the situation?
I quickly realized any remedial action I could take would be
futile; the destruction of the garden was inevitable. Any action
I might attempt would also surely result in losing my focus
on the inner Love experience I was still present to.
I made a very intentional decision to surrender to the situation
on the outside and stay with the experience on the inside. The
immense love I felt with each breath was a priority. I knew
that I could not maintain my focus within and also attempt to
take action on the outside. No action was worth the risk of
losing the caress of that sweet love that was coming to me on
the wave of each breath.
I felt compassion for all the individuals that would be affected.
I realized I would possibly lose the friendship of my employer;
he would possibly lose this long time customer of his; they
would lose their beautiful garden, etc. etc. All of this went
through my consciousness in a flash. In the face of it all I
was determined to stay connected with the inner experience of
Love above all else.
I accepted that all I could do on the outside was to correctly
mix another gallon and finish the job. In my mind I saw with
surrendered compassion how it would look with the whole garden
dead and only this little patch left, as I carried the watering
towards it.
As I bent over and began to sprinkle the mixture unto the remaining
flowers. Suddenly my back registered what felt like wet hail
pounding on it. Huge raindrops were falling fast and furious
out of a cloudless sky. I looked up absolutely startled. Across
the wide lawn I caught the expression of the assistant gardener.
She was also momentarily frozen in shock.
Then in the next moment we were in a dead run to put the equipment
away in the barn and head for the truck, all the while being
pelted with this downpour of rain. By the time we reached the
truck we were both drenched to the skin.
As she drove off, a stream of profanity was flowing out of her
mouth. At the end of the driveway the rain stopped and the dirt
road was dusty as ever. A dust cloud rose up behind the truck
as she gave it the gas in her agitation over the event. I think
that we were both in shock; neither of us spoke a single word
about what had just happened.
My shock was a deep silent dissonance. My mind reeled. This
whole experience was so out of joint with the reality I took
for granted. The love experience was still going on in side.
But now it had a tangible intimacy that confronted every premise
with which I engaged with life.
Rain, very tangible RAIN, and what appeared to possibly be just
the right amount of rain, had come out of a sun filled cloudless
August sky at just the right moment to correct a stupid error
I had made.
This was an unthinkable reality. So I didn't think about it
or talk about it for about fifteen years. I just put the whole
thing in the closet. Who would believe it, when I who had been
there and ended up drenched to the skin did not know how to
integrate it into the life I lived day to day.
There was no place in my reality to put this event. I had no
structure into which it would comfortably fit. Years before
in the mid-sixties, I "tripping" on LSD and had ecstatic
experiences. I was not new to "other realities." But
this event had no resemblance whatsoever to an acid trip.
This was an intimate response in the physical world to an inner
decision. This was not a hallucination or illusion. I got wet,
very wet. So did the plants, the assistant and the truck. Etc.
With each decade that passes I see the event from a different
perspective. In the nineties I thought perhaps it is an example
of the laws of manifestation and attraction as articulated by
Abraham and Ester Hicks. Or was it an experience of life at
the frequency of LOVE in the map of consciousness of enlightened
master, David Hawkins. Was it evidence that Life is meant to
be a co-creative Love Story.
Now I see it as one example of the choice that exists in each
moment between Truth or Illusion, Love or fear. On that day
the real miracle was the grace to stay present to Source inside,
to accept the Love available from deep within.
It is evidence of our Elder Brother’s teaching, “Seek
first the Kingdom Heaven and all things shall be added unto
you.”
I understand that in each moment I can choose the experience
of Love and Oneness, the visceral reality of God’s Love
NOW pouring into my life. In that moment I give up or forgive
every other concern or objective. That choice, that priority
opens the door to every solution I could ever want or need.
However, in my current evolution, I lack the consistent intention
to remain awaken within that Love. With more consistency I chose
to seek the solution first, relying on myself as a separate
entity. I separate myself from the experience of my Loving Source.
I enter the world of illusion and uncertainty. I sometimes seem
successful, but inside there is always a low mostly unconscious
sense of need, anxiety, fear and guilt that keeps driving me
to do more, have more, be more.
I have yet to decide for once and all to be kind to myself.
That is my current reality. Fighting with my current reality
is more of the same painful separation. I fully intend to repeatedly
reengage and recommit to being present to my Source within.
When I go for that Inner Stillness and the Love and Light that
is there within I have no needs in that moment. Even in the
sense of ongoing time, the more I am present to the Love from
Source, the more the problems of my life seem to flow into resolution,
perhaps less dramatically than that day back in 81 but just
as effectively and unseen by the surrounding world.
Could it be that Love is the Answer to all and every problem?
If so the solution is not in seeking to solve the problem but
rather in looking beyond or forgiving the problem and opening
to the Source of Love as the intimate Solution in which no problem
exists.
As I interpret the enlightened master, David Hawkins, he asserts
that the experience of ‘case and effect’ that we
consider fundamental to reality is not reality but an illusion.
Reality is that all that exists comes directly from Source in
response or association to frequency. Love is for sure a powerful
frequency.
On that day in 1981 I was experiencing my life emanating directly
from Source. I felt each breath created directly out of Love.
The rain also appeared directly out of Source at the command
of Love – the One Love that is Source. It was not ‘caused.’
It simply responded to, was attracted into being by the Love
that was Present.
